Wednesday

Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

Belly of the Beast (2003)

It is almost film heresy to say this, but the last two Steven Seagal movies have been watchable.

A couple of years ago, it looked like the plus-sized warrior was headed for a future as a fishing guide. He made three abysmal movies in a row (links to IMDb)

  1. Foreigner, The (2003)
  2. Half Past Dead (2002)
  3. Ticker (2001)

But the last two, Belly of the Beast and Out for a Kill, are pretty solid straight-to-vid entertainment. Now don't jump all over me for praising the guy. These two films are not Raiders of the Lost Ark, by any means, but they do represent a marked improvement over those previous three. Seagal is also credited as a writer on this film, as he was in Out for a Kill, so he benefited from taking more control of his projects.

In this one, Big Steve is a retired CIA operative whose daughter is kidnapped in Thailand. The bad guys weren't after Steve's kid, but her traveling companion, a senator's daughter. The plot workings are far too complicated, with various American factions bickering and various Thai factions maneuvering slyly. Everyone wants to blame some Muslim terrorists for the kidnapping, but Seagal's local knowledge tells him that is a cover story, and that something stinks of corruption and betrayal at the highest levels, among the people he used to trust the most.

Steve and his former CIA partner, now a Buddhist monk willing to toss off the robes and do what it takes to help the Weighty Warrior, double-handedly defeat a small army of what must be more than 100 men. In fact, the monk defeats the entire army by himself, while Segal is upstairs going one-on-one with one guy who styles himself as the ultimate fighting machine.

Well, as you might guess, Mr Ultimate is now Mr Penultimate, having been casually dismissed by Big Steve's Meaty Mitts.

The action is not realistic, the plot is too muddled, the exaggerated faux-respect for Thai culture is grating, and the respect and loyalty themes are played out with way too much schmaltz, but the film has some cool fight scenes, good production values, and some exotic locales photographed well. The substitutions between Steven and his stunt man were done much more smoothly than in the last few Seagal pictures. Overall, it is a tolerable STV watch.

I have learned not to show disrespect for Asian cultures in the presence of the Stout Sensai. At one point Ol' Steve is just bowin' and prayin' to beat the band, with some arcane Asian rituals. He has three little bamboo sticks with red ink on the tips, and he takes these sticks, and places them with the red tip downward, in a half-glass of water in front of a picture of his late wife. (Does Seagal always have a "late wife" in these things? ) He's really into the ritual, and he's arrangin' the angle of the little stickies just so, and I'm laughin', and you know what happened? He jumped right out of my computer and kicked my ass. Well, actually, it was his stunt double, but it hurt just the same. And then he made me whittle some little stickies and paint the tips red and arrange them in front of his wife's picture, but I accidentally got one of the sticks kind of a red-orange instead of red, so he had his stunt double kick my ass again, while he emptied out my refrigerator.

Boy is he strict about those rituals.

I was about to type "about those phony-baloney rituals", but I deleted the phony-baloney part. I suppose you think I changed my mind because I am a pussy and didn't want to get my ass kicked and my refrigerator raided again by Steve and his stunt double. But that's not the reason. I have an anti-ninja firewall now. The real reason that I changed my mind is that I realized that those rituals must have been genuine, because whenever he did them, the musical score would be some Susie Wong music followed by a resounding gong. A gong! You just don't get any more authentic Asian than that.

There was one thing that didn't work in the fight scenes. Too many of the fighting effects were created during post-editing. In one scene, the Thai stuntman did an absolutely brilliant leap off a pile of lumber. He was poised with two swords arranged in a perfect balletic line in mid-air. Of course, it was obvious that Seagal was not really there at the time, but was simply striking a pose in front of a blue screen against an imaginary opponent who was to approach him on the ground. The two scenes must have been combined in post-production. Look at Seagal's head and eyes in the picture on the Movie House page. He is obviously looking nowhere near the attacker.

  • Malin Moberg

  • I don't know who this is, but she is gorgeous. It's a pretty cool scene. She adds a liquid to her topless body in order to reveal a secret message written on her skin.

 

UPDATES:

  • Charlie's French Cinema Nudity site is updated.

 

 

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