Thursday, December 04, 2008
The Tattoo Expo in Budapest
Rosie Jones Topless
Four hours of classic Sinatra
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Top 10 Stupid Gifts for 2008: Stupid.com
Two of them crap-related!
"The 15 Hottest Sister Pairings Around"
The Shanghai Tower Will Be China's Tallest Phallic Symbol
The Top 10 Most-Viewed YouTube Videos of 2008 (So Far)…
"Manatee County Deputies have charged a man with felonious assault after he used a Christmas tree as a weapon to attack his father."
Thw worst Christmas tree in Britain
"It’s a glorified twig – an insult to Peterlee.”
More than 160 mountain bikers made sick by other crap.
Other holiday crap: Figurines of defecating world leaders in Catalan nativity scenes
I should let them use Other Crap as a home page! Sarkozy and Putin crap in the nativity? Now THAT's Christmassy. Unfortunately, that would place me in competition with myself in Catalan. Will they go for an Other Crap Christmas, or a Scoopmas. That's right. I am worshipped as a God in Catalan, and they bring out the pics of Polish Baby Scoopy on Scoopmas, to show the scenes where the three wise men bring Vodka, Cabbage and Beets. (How did they find three wise men in Poland? Talk about a Scoopmas miracle!) Actually, one of the magiski brought myrrh, but my mom tossed it in the trash and told him to head down to the Safewaiski and get some beets for a proper Scoopmas dinner.
BPD Blue: "Do you know where your underpants are? It’s possible that the Boulder Police Department has them."
Who would have guessed? I called the sheriff in Broomfield, but I never thought they could have gotten as far away as Boulder. I loved those drawers.
The 6 Most Retarded Gaming Consoles Ever Released | Cracked.com
Jesus found on a Washburn guitar
I guess I may just be a sicko, but it looks more like female genitalia to me.
Wife sliced my groin on Thanksgiving.
Oh, well. As long as she was slicing the turkey, why waste the knife?
Santa and elves beaten up
Police are looking for a skinny loudmouth with long hair and a quiet fat dude in an overcoat. The pair has a history of holiday character assault.
The 6 Most Retarded Gaming Consoles Ever Released | Cracked.com
8 Things Modern Vampires Could Learn From ’The Lost Boys’ | Cracked.com
Upbeat Che Trailer Promises the Holidays' Jauntiest Four-Hour Marxist Epic
A first look at President Bush's autobiography
Long-Standing Conflict Ends As Israel Returns Lawn Mower To Palestine
"Now, I call on all Palestinians to cease all aggression toward our neighbors, so that we may live harmoniously alongside them while finally getting started on a lawn that has been badly in need of cutting for three generations."
KIM MIGHT DO PLAYBOY AGAIN
"Of course Kim Kardashian would pose naked again. What the hell else is she gonna do, clerk for the Supreme Court? You don’t even have to pay her millions. Kim would pose naked for a sandwich and a ride home."
ASU Volleyball Does A Body Good! (pics)
Britney Spears's Cleavage is Confusing (and Near a Nipple Slip)
Hillary Clinton: Legally Ineligible For Secretary of State!
"This has actually, as you might imagine, happened before, lots of times. Usually Congress just passes a bill cutting the salary. But what is different about this nomination, as opposed to the times this has come up in the past? Crazy obsessive anti-Clinton bloggers!"
"Dallas Stars’ Sean Avery has been suspended for inappropriate comments about ex-girlfriend Elisha Cuthbert"
I agree. How could anyone speak of her that way? Totally inappropriate. How could he say her clit tastes foul. I've always found it delicious.
The Popcorn Trick: The top Christmas inspired music videos!
"I'm defining the videos on this list as ones that truly invoke the Christmas spirit in a completely bizarre yet truly hilarious manner."
The 100 Greatest Movie Characters
These are some obscure, unusual selections. I'm just going to quote from the submitter's e-mail, since he gave this matter much more thought than I would have without his inspiration:"Empire Magazine released a readers' poll this week called the 100 Greatest Movie Characters of All Time. The list skews heavily to the past two decades, which is no surprise; but what is surprising is the obscurity of some of the readers' choices.
The What th' Fucks:
- #77 Ed from "Shaun of the Dead"
- #65 White Goodman (Ben Stiller) from "Dodgeball"
- #64 Withnail from "Withnail and I"
- #57 Brick Tamland (Steve Carell) from "Anchorman"
- #51 Capt. Mal Reynolds from "Serenity"
- #47 Blade from "Blade"
- #33 Tequila (Chow Yong Fat) from "Lat Sau San Taamfrom" (Hard Boiled)
- #17 Hans Gruber from "Die Hard"
- #1 Tyler Durden from "Fight Club" ... Tyler Durden is #1!?
Other surprises:
- Jigsaw and Freddy Krueger but no Michael Myers or Jason Voorhees
- "Red" Redding from "Shawshank Redemption" but no Andy Dufresne
- Ron Burgundy from "Anchorman" but no Andy Stitzer from "40 Year Old Virgin"
- No room for Catherine Tramell apparently; in fact, only 9 women on the list!
- Neither Will Smith nor Tom Cruise, despite their box office success, have characters represented. Schwarzenegger, Stallone, Willis, and Hanks have all portrayed iconic haracters, but Smith and Cruise always seem to play themselves.
The Women:
- Clarice Starling
- Scarlett O'Hara
- Wicked Witch of the West
- Princess Leila
- Jessica Rabbit
- Marge Gunderson
- The Bride
- Mathilda ("Leon: the Professional")
- Juno
- Mary Poppins
- Ellen Ripley"
My own comments:This list should be called. "The 100 favorite characters of 24-year-old fanboys who haven't seen very many movies, have never seen any serious movies at all, and haven't seen any chick-flicks except Amelie."
Here are a few people rated ridiculously low. All five of these (except possibly Sose) could be legitimate contenders for #1 of all time.
- Roy Batty #86 ... a very legitimate contender for #1, except he's just not as memorable a villain as Darth Vader. Batty is, however, a deeper character.
- Rick Blaine #58. Fifty fucking eight? Gimme a break. Bogart at the top of his game. At the top of ANYBODY's game. I love Harrison Ford in all three of his iconic roles (Indiana, Solo, and Deckerd), but Indiana Jones can only dream of being as cynical and tough and funny and generous as Rick Blaine.
- Randall McMurphy #61
- Kyzer Sose #69
- Atticus Finch #70
Here are a few important omissions. The stars indicate that they could be legitimate candidates for #1, even though not on the list at all.
- The Little Tramp (Chaplin) ***
- Salieri (Would probably be my #3 villain, after Vader and Batty. Possible top 25 overall)
- Doc Holliday (Val Kilmer version. How could they leave this one out? He's your Huckleberry.)
- Rufus T Firefly (Groucho in Duck Soup)
- Kikuchiyo (Toshiro Mifune in The Seven Samurai)
- Lorelei Lee (Marilyn Monroe in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes)
- Captain Spalding (Groucho in Animal Crackers)
- Otis B Driftwood (Groucho in A Night at the Opera)
- Brave Sir Robin
- The Donger (Long Duc Dong)
- The banjo kid (Deliverance)
- Sgt Hartman (R Lee Ermey) in Full Metal Jacket
- Captain Bligh (Charles Laughton version, which is nothing like the real Bligh, but a great character.)
- Derek Vineyard (Norton in American History X)
- That Memento guy, whatever the hell his name was. Since he didn't remember, why should we?
- Rhett Butler ***
- Margo Channing (Bette Davis in All About Eve)
- Nell (Jodie Foster)
- Bluto Blutarsky ***. (I would say #1 in comedies)
- Louis (Claude Rains in Casablanca)
- Spicoli
- Roy Hobbs (Redford in the Natural)
- The Sundance Kid (more Redford)
- Mortimer Brewster (Cary Grant in Arsenic and Old Lace)
- Holly Golightly (Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's)
- Stifler
- Det. Healy (If you need one choice of a supporting character from a recent comedy, skip over Steve Carrell and that dude in Sean of the Dead, and watch Matt Dillon in There's Something About Mary ... Genius!)
- Lawrence of Arabia ***
- Norma Desmond ***
- Judah Ben-Hur
- Cuthbert J Twillie (WC Fields in My Little Chickadee)
- Death (The Seventh Seal) ***
- Howard Beale (Peter Finch in Network)
- Tony Manero in Saturday Night Fever *** (Yes, a possible number one, as much as I hate to admit it)
- Dalton (Patrick Swayze in Road House). I know he doesn't belong on the list, but it's my list, dammit, and he's my man.
- Cartman
- Mad Max Rockatansky
- Annie Hall
- Bill the Butcher
- Dr. Evil
- Noah Cross. The incomparably sleazy John Huston in his sleaziest role. (Chinatown)
- Sherlock Holmes and Watson (Basil Rathbone and Nigel Bruce have still never been topped)
- Cody Jarrett (James Cagney in White Heat ... "Top of the World." Another top ten villain.)
- Gordon Gekko (or maybe he was on the list and I missed him ... not sure)
- Tommy Udo (Richard Widmark in Kiss of Death)
- Mrs Robinson (Anne Bancroft. Koo koo ka choo.)
- Fred C Dobbs (Bogart in Sierra Madre)
- Stanley Kowalski ***
- Rose Sayer (Katherine Hepburn in The African Queen. Maybe the top female.)
- Ninotchka (Garbo)
- Col Nicholson (Alec Guinness in the Bridge on the River Kwai)
- Col Saito (Sessue Hayakawa in The Bridge on the River Kwai)
- Destry
- Jefferson Smith (Jimmy Stewart again in Mr Smith Goes to Washington)
- Elwood P Dowd (Stewart again, in Harvey)
- Frenchy (Marlene Dietrich in Destry)
- Shanghai Lily (Dietrich in Shanghai Express)
- Lola Lola (One more Dietrich, in Blue Angel)
- Claire Quilty (Lolita. Peter Sellers version)
- Did they mention Dr Strangelove? If not, add him
- Goldfinger
- Ratso Rizzo
- Lulu (Louise Brooks in Pandora's Box)
- Spartacus. No, I'm Spartacus.
- Max Cady (As played either by Mitchum or DeNiro. A role brought to life brilliantly twice! I prefer Mitchum, but no quibble if you go with DeNiro. Either way, a top ten villain.)
- Jake LaMotta
- The Scarecrow (Ray Bolger)
- Dorothy (possible #1 for women)
- The Cowardly Lion
and maybe a zillion more I just can't remember.
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
USMC Rules for Gunfighting
"Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty."
"Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose."
URL says it all: KeyboardForBlondes.com
"Since Fox News won't be the mouthpiece of this new administration, MSNBC steps up to fill the gap."
"A SCENE FROM ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO"
If you thought Kevin had some wacky jokes about donkey shows, wait until you see the zany antics he created for his incestuous pedophilia scene!
The latest on Patrick Swayze is that he has NOT suffered a relapse or spread of his cancer, which is a nice thing if true
You rarely hear anybody say anything bad about Dalton. He appears to be a hard-working, monogamous, decent guy, and I think we're all rooting for him.
Peeved Elisabeth Hasselbeck Tells Noted Indian Scholar to "Go Light a Bowl of Incense"
This is a tough one, like a wrestling match between two baddies. Who is stupider? The woman who utters the racially inflammatory remarks, or the author who refers to pop culture nutburger and Ig Nobel laureate Deepak Chopra as a "noted Indian scholar."
Magazine loses 130,000 plastic breasts
I know I'm no Columbo in the crime-solving department, but has anyone checked Pam Anderson's house?
Man says God ordered him to ram vehicle at 100 mph
"He just said God said she wasn't driving right, and she needed to be taken off the road"
Walrus plays the saxophone
Thus bringing to proper fruition the seed Steve Sax planted when he invented it.Just before his run-in with the law.
Sadly, like all walri, Sara only likes Kenny G.
Man banned from toilet shop.
"Store clerks realized something was wrong when they say they discovered a horrible smell in their shop. After a search of the store, the found Kessel desperately trying to flush the display toilet."
Man accused of assaulting girlfriend with hot sweet potato pie
Ugandan men warned of 'booby trap'
"Uganda's police warned male bar-goers to keep their noses clean after a probe found a gang of robbers had been using women with chloroform smeared on their chests to knock their victims unconscious."
The Weekend Warrior: Dec. 5 - 7 - ComingSoon.net
The key factor is that there are no major films in wide release, so carry-overs will take eight of the top nine spots. The one wide release, Punisher, is expected to bomb, finishing in sixth place despite being the only wide release and reaching 2400 theaters.After that come four wild cards. The two Oscar hopefuls with big numbers last week, Milk and Slumdog Millionaire, will vie for a spot in the top ten, as will two limited releases which are new this week, Nobel Son and Cadillac Records.
Nobel Son has waited forever to get into circulation. I don't want to say it's an old film, but the co-directors are listed as the Lumiere Brothers. Seriously, it was screened at Tribeca back when New York was still owned by the Dutch and called New Amsterdam. OK, maybe it was only 20 months ago, but 20 months is two eternities when one is languishing in undistributed limbo. The film is apparently half thriller and half dark comedy, so nobody was been willing to stake anything on its commercial viability, but virtually everyone who saw it liked it, and it's rated 8.7 (!!!) at IMDb.
"In a tale of sex, violence, race, and rock and roll in 1950s Chicago, Cadillac Records follows the exciting but turbulent lives of some of America's musical legends, including Muddy Waters, Leonard Chess, Little Walter, Howlin' Wolf, Etta James and Chuck Berry."
I would like to see both of those, but I live in the outback now, so I'm not sure they'll come to a theater near me.
Late Night Political Jokes - Late Night Jokes Updated Daily
"Last Friday was, of course, Black Friday. And if you had money in the stock market, today is Black Monday. The stock market lost 679 points today. Not even a stock market, that's a flea market." --Jay Leno"In political news, President-elect Barack Obama has named Hillary Clinton as his secretary of state. I am no political expert. I don't pretend to know much about international affairs, but speaking strictly as a late-night talk show host, a Clinton back in office? Yes!" --Jay Leno
"Well, they said today during her confirmation hearings, Republicans could force her to answer a lot of embarrassing questions about Bill Clinton's financial affairs. To which Hillary said, 'What kind of affairs? Financial? Oh, no problem!'" --Jay Leno
Paris Hilton is still trying to sing
Why does Paris always point her toes together in photos? Is it to hide her size-83 feet, or is there another explanation?Wait ... she's still trying to sing?
IQs by profession.
The amazing thing to me is that there are quite a few college professors and natural scientists with IQs under 100. They must have studied 23 hours per day.
Britney Spears Glamour Photo Shoot and Bizarre Sound Bite
Google reported that "Britney Spears" was the most-searched term for the fourth year in a row. Think about what that means. People don't get enough info about her already. They are searching for more!
Forget Adam Sandler’s Hanukkah Song, Here’s the Atheism Song
"So when you feel like the only kid in town, without a God-like idol,Here’s a list of famous atheists, so you don’t feel suicidal."
China Buys Naming Rights to U.S. - Nation to be Renamed ‘Panda Garden'
The 2009 Campari Calendar: Jessica Alba in HQ
Two words, both "hubba"
Maureen Dowd fails to fact-check her Tina Fey/Vanity Fair piece - starting with the opening sentence
Submitter wrote: "I found it strange in Maureen Dowd's Vanity Fair article about Tina Fey how obsessed she seemed that Tina never dated bad boys. Then I remembered an interview Tina did on Conan O'Brien where she talks about going on this horrible Snow Dance date with this guy in high school, and how he just sold the story to The National Enquirer. He manged to get slapped on the date and sell her out twenty years later - kind of sounds like a bad boy to me."
7 Historical Figures Who Were Absurdly Hard To Kill | Cracked.com
The 10 Best Things You May Have Found In Your Dad's House On Thanksgiving Break
Jesus Returns To Give Consumers Christmas Pep Talk
Michigan Wolverines fan sells his loyalty on eBay
